Reflections on my experience in Tuesday Evening Process Group.
Losing control can look many different ways. It can be yelling, screaming, hitting, crying. It can be letting vibrations move through your body. For me it was learning how to let the energy move as it wants to. On Tuesday it wanted to move very, very slowly.
The image for me was a locked door. I have all this energy in my pelvis. I get scared of it pretty easily. It’s a part of my body I have been disconnected from. We’re starting to develop a new relationship. But there’s that locked door. I really want to draw this – or collage it or something. Make the note. Make it happen. I digress. I think I took a solid hour of the 2 hr group time to stand in front of people rocking my pelvis. Feeling that part of my body, feeling all of the energy there.
People got bored. Angry. What are you doing? Say something! Give it to me! I was connected to myself. I was not in control of the energy. It did not want to be loud. I think it just wanted to be seen moving at it’s own pace. It was a very deep experience for me. And that is what I needed. To do it for me.
Words that came out. Please be patient with me. There is a lot of power here that I get very scared of. I know I can move it in “extreme” ways – but what about in real life? This might not look like very much, but a lot is happening for me. One person asked me to bring all of my energy. I felt the encouragement, but also the DON’T DO IT. If you can recieve my energy as it is, I will share it with you. If you can’t see me for who I am and respect that, I will not share it with you. I will protect myself and move away. Because I am doing this for me.
This brings me to thoughts about selfishness. Self-obsession. There is conflict between me and one of my friends for this reason. I learn about myself so that I can connect more deeply with the world around me. Be in service of life. I use my self-exploration to learn what others might be feeling, experiencing. The more I know about me, the more I know about how to be in relationship with others. She uses herself to remain seperate. To bring the attention of the room on her. She sees herself as a giver, but it is a selfish, manipulative act. It’s unconscious. It’s a tool to keep herself cut off from life. From feeling the things that life wants her to feel. I think these are major differences. The more I listen to myself, the less I want to be around people like her. There’s the feeling that I can be a good influence. Help her. Send love and compassion. It’s better if I protect myself. Know that I won’t be recieved the way I want to be recieved and step back. And that’s a form of losing control.
Things I learned that I want to hold on to. Losing control is simply letting energy move through you the way it wants to move. It might not look like what you imagine, or it might look exactly like what you imagined. What matters is that the ego consciousness can step aside and let something else move through without wanting to change it, control it. Sometimes it moves fast. Sometimes slow. I have flowers growing in my bedroom. Some of them explode open, some of them gradually unfold. They do what is exactly right for them in their own time. That is losing control. Surrendering to the natrual ebb and flow of things.
